it's here. the one thing i've been anticipating all summer is finally here, and my emotions that were so eagerly ready to get out of this town, have taken a complete turn in the direction I would have least expect.
as much as i want to get back to manhattan to start over... to have the new beginnings, new everything... part of my heart has found something so amazing here... that I don't want to leave. who would have thought.. seriously? not me. i must be sick. ha!
this summer has been nothing short of a challenge and everything short of amazing. i've faced hell or was put through it at some point, but have slowly been restored and am working my way back up to where I need to be. I have felt rejection from members of the church, church leaders and family. I felt so inadequate to everyone and everything around me. I was unhappy with the person that stood in front of the mirror, waiting for something to change. yet, i haven't given up.. in fact it has made me realize how independent i can truly be. and independent I have become.. more and more each day as I strive to be the woman i'm suppose to be.
This summer, i learned what it felt like to truly be lost in my faith that I have been so diligently striving to be faithful in for almost four years. I have never felt the feeling of emptiness and the feeling of being so distant from God, that there was nothing to turn to until then. It was the feeling of despair and to the point where I was feeling so sorry for myself, that I just wanted to give up. My heart wanted to love God. My soul, my mind, everything inside of me wanted to love God, but I didn't strive for it or wanted it bad enough at that time. I didn't seek what ought to be sought. Instead i waited for it to come to me, and did it? Absolutely not.
as i went to church and stood in a crowd of claimed believers, i couldn't see the fire and passion that once burned in their hearts, and as I stood there judging them, i turned it to myself, and realized I too had lost that passion, that motive, that fire that burned so deep in my heart - - - it was uncontainable, uncontrollable and so hard to describe… but it was gone.
My worship was empty. my heart was empty. the passion that i once had, gone. And as I began to long for something... I realized I was a million miles away from seeing the truth, and I was the only person to blame along with the only person to be able to fix it. So anyways, where do I stand now? Who am I? what has God molded me into? Well, to be completely honest, I’m at the bottom of the totem pole climbing back up to the top. I’m clear back at the beginning, slowly building myself back and mending the broken pieces…. Each piece taking a part of representing some sort of heartache, sin and struggle that has kept me away for so long, longing to be put back together. How do I do it? How do I go back to where I was? To no longer being empty? To be completely honest, I’m not sure… but I know where I can start, and that’s with God’s word. My foundation will be based from there and I will continue to grow and fight through this battle.
I’m going to be an influential person with a heart that chases after God. How will you be able to tell? Through my actions, my heart, my walk, my everything. I want people to look at me, and realize I am making a difference even through my heartache and pain. I want my actions to be louder than my words, but my word to be LOUD.
